ALARM BELLS FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE
- Amanda J Scott
- Apr 29
- 3 min read
I wanted to share what I have experienced as the alarm bells for domestic abuse.
The challenge in identifying abuse is that the signs are never exactly the same; however, collectively they often present as a total lack of power in the situation, where one partner has all of the control.
In my case someone would have looked at my situation and said:
You are never treated as an equal and your opinion doesn’t count.
You are shamed regularly for being stupid, incompetent and a bad mother.
You are made to feel as though everything is your fault.
You have little to no access to money and need to ask for every cent, which means you can be cut off and left with nothing at any moment.
You are responsible for debts that you didn’t agree to.
You are denied regular access to friendships and shamed for having contact with anyone outside the home.
You do all the work around the house, look after the children and work in the family business and you are still told you do not contribute, are stupid, and responsible for anything that is going wrong.
You have the lowest status in the house, behind the children and the dog.
Below are a few learnings from my own journey to overcome 17 years of living in an abusive marriage. I share them in the hope that they might support those who are living through a similar situation…
Excerpt from Finding My Way Back To Me…
Real love doesn’t look like or feel like control. It took me years to understand that if it feels like control, it is.
Listen to your gut feelings and don’t talk yourself out of your own intuition to avoid making the hard decisions that will move your life forward.
Be across the family finances and do not sign anything without fully understanding what you are being presented with.
Don’t give your power of attorney away to anyone.
Get independent legal advice - never from your partner’s lawyer.
Stop feeling shame for things that aren’t your fault and don’t ever justify being treated with a lack of respect - disrespectful behaviour is always going to be disrespectful behaviour regardless of the ‘why’.
Don’t accept the blame for being the one who broke the marriage by hiding your partner’s bad behaviour from other people. I did this and as a result I was blamed by my children for the breakup and for ruining their lives. Abusers maintain their power by staying hidden. Not saying anything to other people allows them to look like a victim and make you wrong – again!
Don’t tell yourself that you will stay in an abusive situation for the children’s wellbeing, as what we teach our children in that situation is that love equals abuse. One of my primary motivations for leaving the marriage was to teach my children about the importance of self-respect.
Maintain strong friendships as they are the backbone of your path forward.
Start making your own needs a priority. For me this was being able to walk and connect with friends. This was the only way I was able to stay the distance and get through the process.
Maintain your dignity and self-respect as you go through the breakup process. My pent-up rage and humiliation meant that when I got the chance, I turned from the abused into the abuser very quickly and found myself doing things that I never thought possible. After two or three major incidents I realised that my desire for revenge was turning me into my husband – someone I would never want to be.
Regardless of whether you work or are a stay-at-home partner, you are entitled to half of the family earnings. I was always told I contributed nothing and was worth nothing. This simply isn’t true for anyone.
Make a decision that you deserve a different life and then do whatever it takes to make that happen. This means finding the part of you that still has dreams for a good life and wants to leave more than you want to stay.
Nothing about moving beyond an abusive situation is easy, but every time your mind falters, tell yourself that you deserve more and keep going.
Be well… Amanda J Scott
Comments